mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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