I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
