Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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