and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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