i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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