if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
