3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
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The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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