He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
