If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
