I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
