Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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