the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
