Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
