i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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