Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
