never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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