I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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