wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
