Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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