Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
