every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
