a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
