you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
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Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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