Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
