Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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