I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
