I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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