you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
