If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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