Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
