guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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