I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
