my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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