I just cut my nipple shaving
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
where are you?
Hypothermia
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
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