I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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