Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
