6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
