then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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