3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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