listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
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Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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