I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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