I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
