where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
