I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
