She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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