I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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