She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
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She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
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How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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