The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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