I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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