what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
