she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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