I skipped work to stalk him.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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