Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
