So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
