I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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